


Slip Through Your Hands

by Pamalamb



Category: Boku no Hero Academia, My Hero Academia
Genre: Character Death, Gore, Horror, M/M, Psychological Torture, creepy touching, mental manipulation, shit will go down much later, warped sense of justice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:06:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8625529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pamalamb/pseuds/Pamalamb
Summary: How it ended up this way was something, Katsuki, never imagined possible. The years of searching, the mourning, the effort and sleepless nights...how could it all keep slipping away like it was never worth it in the first place? Was this really his fault that it all turned out like this? With the once sad, Deku, looming over his thoughts with haunting eyes and gloved fingers?





	1. Don't know what is there until it's gone

**Author's Note:**

> I have absolutely no excuse for this. hours of browsing pinterest and youtube and this is the product. It’s a bit dark, it’s a little sad, it’s heavily implied but nothing explicit. I'll add more tags and such as this goes.

The prestigious hero school known to be U.A was always a place that nobody would have to worry about anything going wrong with its students. The children that enrolled all had a single dream that connected all of them and it was to become a hero, to become a beacon of hope and safety among the people who lived in the city that harbored them. Wherever there was any sinister plans being developed by some small gang or a large set up that the higher up villains would concoct people would rest easy knowing that the city had heroes to protect them from it all.

 

Those very same walls were supposed to protect the students not only from their own quirks from getting out of hand, from each other, but from villains that threatened to break past them and go after whoever they pleased. Once, and only once, had evil penetrated U.A’s defenses. Their intent had been All Might, the symbol of peace in the whole of Japan.

 

Katsuki remembered every detail of what happened those two years ago. How unafraid everyone had been to try and jump in to help, then how quickly their blissfully unaware barrier of heroics and disregard for their lives truly came crashing down. The world was so much more frightening that once perceived in the beginning of their enrollment

 

That mysterious man, they later learned was called Tomura, had orchestrated it all. He was the reason their teacher Aizawa had gotten so badly beaten, near death, that his quirk suffered permanent damage from the head injuries. Just thinking back on it now made Katsuki grit his teeth tight and do his best not to grind them in frustration. He’d been so useless during that entire ordeal. Through all of it. The fighting, the defending, the struggling to get away whilst trying to defend the others.

 

Tomura was also the reason that, Deku, pathetic Deku, was taken shortly after Katsuki’s own kidnapping and rescue. Only difference between them was they never got Deku back. Katsuki hadn't even been around when the other was snatched up and whisked away. Those who saw what happened say he tried to scream and break away but there wasn't any hope as the dark portal of purple and black swallowed him up. All might and the other top heroes scowered over every possible villain hide out, every ring leader hang out, every dark alley they could manage to locate.

 

The reactions from everyone else in their class were varied. The few people that would hang around Izuku cried. Round eyes was nearly inconsolable even with shitty glasses trying his best to assure her that they would do their best and get him back. The other students would all join their efforts to look any place that might be useful to ask for information.

 

Most of their class, like Katsuki himself, mourned quietly if not entirely silent, sitting in groups and discussing possibly get together’s and search parties later to be carried out. Other students frantically worried over his well being too. Outside their school activities they would go through the city with flyers asking if anyone had seen the young man.

 

Nobody ever said yes. There were just somber shakes of heads accompanied by hopeful words of the lost child's possible return to safety.

 

Todoroki surprised the explosive prone teen once on the matter of how he was taking the entire event by asking how he felt. Simply curious to know how the other was fairing seeing as in the past, that everyone now knew, katsuki was a major part of Izuku's constant hesitation with social interaction due to his bullying and berating. With that in mind Todorki was drawn to the other to find out just what an impact this all had. 

 

Sure, Katsuki wanted to scream that the half and half fucker back off and leave him alone. Demand he piss off so he could be left to gripe about more meaningful things alone, but the dead, nearly guilty look in those mismatched eyes spoke enough in place of Torodoki’s silence. It silenced Katsuki’s own welling rage, because even if he was an ass he had enough self awareness and intelligence to know that he was mourning too. Katsuki felt just as guilty for not being able to save his classmate/old childhood acquaintance. 

 

He should have been with the group when it happened. He fucking should have been there to blow fire and smoke into their faces whilst he pulled Izuku back with angry insults of him being stupid for trying to fight on his own when he was so weak. The anger at himself aside, Katsuki, eventually conceded and told Torodoki the minimal information about how he felt about it. 

 

Through their shared goal of simply trying to locate, Izuku, it was a little surprise that in just a few months that he and Todoroki found common ground between the other to start a very mild acquaintanceship. It wasn't like a real friendship, it was just two people more or less meeting up whenever the other was free and going out to try and do something useful.

 

Izuku’s mother took the news the worst. Katsuki had gone with All might the day they had to go and tell her. All might asked he attend the visitation with him considering that Katsuki once upon a time been childhood friends with Izuku and knew his mother since he was a child himself. with a grunt Katsuki agreed to go with. The memory of his heart clenching tightly in his chest that day didn’t go away even now. Inko’s heart fell apart, as did she.

 

 She screamed and cried at All Might. She blamed him for the disappearance of her son, saying over and over that she never liked the idea of Izuku going on that trip or the idea of him going into heroics. The moment that Izuku told her that he passed the exam, screaming from his room and stumbling through the door with a large grin on his face, her heart was plagued with worry. 

 

“I trusted you!” She snapped, eyes overflowing with tears that, like her son’s, never seemed endless. “You told me you would protect him, that he would be safe! But where is he now?!” Where was her precious boy and why wasn’t he there with All Might like he should have been? struck into silence by guilt, All Might was only able to tell her that he didn’t know, that he knew it was his fault Izuku was gone without a trace. What could he possibly tell her? Nothing but the truth.

Katsuki didn’t care much about people’s tears, if it was any sign by how much he disregarded, Izuku when he cried, but seeing the idiot’s own mother break down and sink to the floor with streams decorating her face, screaming sobs erupting from her troat…it made him feel just as much to blame for the other being snatched away.

 

The explosive young man made the woman he once called ‘auntie’ a small promise. 

 

“I’ll help look for your son. No matter how long it takes.” Just something. He told himself to say anything he could that might get that heavy feeling to lift from his stomach, the crushing weight that settled itself inside his chest. To this day it still didn’t fade. Often those memories of the news delivery to Izuku’s mother seemed to come just to bother him if he considered giving up.

 

He was a hero dammit! shouldn’t he be helping others instead of just splitting his attention to where it was majorly on one topic but only minutely on others? Katsuki thought so but even so his thoughts would always bring him to the idea of scowering the city during the breaks when he was on patrol, looking for any possible lead of sighting of, Izuku.

 

Nothing ever turned up. Just like always. It was always nothing. What the fuck kind of event or splendorous act of either heroics or stupidity did he have to do just to try and get a little ahead in this whole thing? promise or not, Katsuki never once tried to think of the possibility that Deku might actually have been murdered already by the villains who took him.

 

Izuku wasn't really much for harsh persuasion, if those years Katsuki bullied him were anything to go by, and obviously the bad guys weren't just going to let him go after he'd seen them all and knew locations of their dwelling. So what the fuck was the point in still looking? A simple promise? How fucking stupid. 

 

Yeah. It was stupid. It was ridiculous. But he kept doing it anyway. Katsuki kept looking. He had to. He fucking owed it to the annoying bastard even if he didn't want to admit it. Katsuki fucking owed it to Izuku to look for him, just what would he find while he kept looking? 

 

Would it be good or something horrible? Risks or not, Katsuki would keep looking. 

..

.

"My boy, it's time you go out again and stretch a little. You've been kept indoors long enough these past few days." A raspy voice shook with effort and strain, a hand going to hold onto the oxygen mask that helped to provide useful air to lungs nearly to weak to pull it in themselves. The figure wanted the boy out, and even without sight there was the sure awareness that the other was smiling, probably with elation. 

"Be back before late evening. Don't make to much of a mess." The other excitedly nodded and the sound of rapidly retreating footsteps reached marred ears. There would probably be a huge mess later. Ah well. That was a job for pathetic heros. Mouth split into a wide grin the man began to wonder about other more important things. Everything was going better than he expected them to go. How splendid He flicked the TV onto the usual news station, eagerly awaiting the news report soon to come with anticipation.


	2. You cannot regain what's been lost.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares weren't real. They couldn't touch you, they were just bad dreams that were caused from stress. If so, they why did they feel like they could suffocate you? Katsuki's guilt couldn't be this heavy. Could it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait, i've been very busy with my work and getting ready for school to start back up. I will be trying for monthly updates or uploading the chapter as soon as it's done, i'll see how it goes. Thank you for all your lovely comments and kudos guys, I love seeing them. 
> 
> AkumaPrincess: I know, I'm still tweaking some of his new developments but i have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with him in the future chapters and his introduction. I hope you stick around to see it, i'll be sure to add a little 'twirl' to his routine. 
> 
> Sniperi: In all honesty, same my friend, same. I still am kind of just writing this as I go. i have nothing mapped out at all. haha
> 
> Enonmia: I enjoy your tears, please don't stop them muahaha
> 
> Chuchutu: Well hold onto yo seat son cause you're about to see it.

From: Icey-hot

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {9:20}

If you’re willing to go out on a usual search my agency hero has allowed me to have a day off from our usual routine. Will you be anywhere near Niigata?

__

__Short-fuse is typing…_ _

__

From: Short-fuse

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {09:26)

I’m literally in the fucking prefecture next to you. Did you forget I live in this fucking place? Fine. Best Jeanist let me off today since last week was overhauled with bullshit. I’ll take the train over, where the hell do you want to meet?

 

__Icey-hot is typing…_ _

__

From: Icey-hot

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {09:29}

Well I apologize, I didn’t try to remember what prefecture you lived in since you’re hardly there anyway whilst working with your professional hero more than half the time when out of school. I’ll meet you at the Shibata station entrance, do try not to get lost on your trip.

 

__Short-fuse is typing…_ _

__

From: Short-fuse

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {09:31}

Oh fuck off, half and half. You barely knew your way around in my prefecture when you came down here last time, don’t go bitching at me about train navigation. I’ve got shit to do before I take the bullet train, so I’ll be there after 1:30 give or take a few minutes.

 

__Icey-hot is typing…_ _

__

From: Icey-hot

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {09:34}

Anyone would be confused around new areas they don’t know. I’ll find you by the stations entrance, message me when you arrive. And stop changing my name in this chat, you’re 17 for god’s sake.

 

__Short-fuse has changed Icey-hot’ nickname to Whiny-snowflake_ _

__

_Whiny_ __-snowflake is typing…__

__

From: Whiny-snowflake

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {09:35}

Why are you like this?

 

__Short-fuse is typing…_ _

 

From: Short-fuse

Subject: Meet up

Responded: {09:36}

Fight me. I’ll stop when you pull that pole out of your ass.

 

__Short-fuse has left_ _

_Whiny_ __-snowflake has left__

__

Pocketing his phone into his pocket, Katsuki cupped his hands together to blow a puff of warm air between his chilled fingers. He hated waiting at train stations. They were cramped, people were shoving each other left and right and for some unknown god damn reason there was always some group of unsupervised hell spawns that would run into Katsuki no matter what time of the day it was. If he hadn’t learned some patience in the last two years he would have blown the little brats away a few times already in the past. So many things had happened in the last year and a half since he got his pro-visionary license. Sure he had to fight tooth and nail through the extra training course to do it but he did it with flying colors but the victory itself felt a bit empty.

 

There was nobody there for him to brag to about having received it. Not that that was the important part about getting it, no, what made it feel feel like an almost hallow win was the fact that the person who he was one upping to get it as a show of power wasn't even there for him to rub it in their face. A year and a half. 16 months had passed since Deku's disappearance.  The authorities had long given up their search for the former student but some times leads would still come in about someone who looked simliar, or not, only to be dashed away as false. Katsuki himself still kept in contact with a few of his fellow students in class 1-A. Kirishima was mainly the only one that he talked to when he felt the small need to interact with people, otherwise he kept to himself as he always did before. He was still the angry ass that everyone knew him to be, he still got into ridiculous fights over basically nothing, destroyed probably thousands of dollars worth of property because of his tantrums. All that aside some people would comment that since Izuku's sudden kidnapping Katsuki had become rather tame. Like some of his anger and drive had been drained. 

 

And wasn't it partly true? Katsuki had lost the biggest annoyance, his largest rival, in his entire life to put it simply. Deku had been there, in his life as a constant, since they were in diapers. To suddenly know he was there in his life one day then gone the next in just a split second was something that left Katsuki at a stand still. He progressed but it wasn't the same as doing it to shove Deku down and prove he was the best. They never even got into a proper fight with Deku telling him whether he made his quirk his own or not, so how could they know who would have been stronger. Deku could have easily kicked his ass in a fight and Katsuki wouldn't ever have known. 

 

No. Stop. Katsuki told himself, lip curling into a snarl. No, he wouldn't have beaten Deku black and blue if they fought. There was no way he would have lost to Deku considering the idiot couldn't even fight properly without breaking his damn arms and legs just trying to throw some kind of fighting move at him. After becoming useless he wasn't good for anything, just a immobile moron burying his face in the dirt. Where he belonged. Despite this old thought process of his, to which he knew was right, there was that large gaping hole in his chest that never seemed to fill up. Katsuki knew himself well enough to process this properly. He felt guilty to a degree, berated himself for being weak. If he couldn't even have dragged Deku's sorry worthless ass in that fight then what hope did he have of being a hero trying to save someone who could actually defend themselves in some degree. After all heroes saved people. So why the fuck couldn't he have just gotten his own ass in gear and pulled the other back to safety. 

 

Separation. That's how they lost Deku. During another sneak raid deployed on their class all the students had been scattered about in different locations on the campus. grinding his teeth together, Katsuki decided he'd stop thinking on it before he gave himself a headache and pissed himself off more with the pathetic self pity. He didn't need that type of shit right now. It was his first day off in a fucking week, he wasn't going to let his stupid guilt come and ruin that when he should be focusing on his soon to be search with Mr. Hot and cold later. 

 

It wasn’t often that, Katsuki, would find himself with a large portion of free time in just a single day. After the festival for their school had ended several professional heroes had come to lay claim and pick the students from the hero course in which they wanted to take under their influence to aid them while they trained and continued in the hero program. Being with a professional hero meant that any free time during the school hours were filled with different lessons and usually with hand to hand work dealing with the public in different situations that they didn’t cover in school where they proceeded to teach students in controlled environments but with lesser dangers to actual civilians.

 

Unluckily Katsuki had been picked by Best Jeanist, a hero who in all shape and form appeared to be the least likely choice of a mentor for someone like the explosion prone young man that Katsuki was. Katsuki wasn’t stupid, he knew that despite the hilariously lame quirk that the professional had, it was strong and he was in his profession for a reason and for a damn good one. One’s quirk usually didn’t matter so long as it was good and could work in aiding the populous so Katsuki didn’t complain, to much, when he got picked by him. The first week was probably the worst of it all. Having to get used to the hero’s routine and work around it whenever he was in the others company. It wasn't such a bad thing now however. Katsuki was able to get first hand experience in training with someone with a quirk that passed all his school's tests, that itself was something he could say he liked. 

 

The sound of the trains wheels screeching to a halt against the tracks was almost deafening with how high pitched they were. Katsuki grimaced at it but he moved forward quickly ahead of the crowd so as to get away from them in the hopes of grabbing a semi tolerable place on the train without much push or shove. Fuck, on these trains that was basically impossible. The train was always a clusterfuck no matter the time of day it was or how quickly one tried to board it. People filed out of the doors in large groups, never minding the others around them and instead focused purely on their destination. Katsuki managed to squeeze his way through the passing individuals and find a seat near the back of the train car where it didn't seem to bad. Taking a seat he didn't hesitate section himself off.   
  
  


Usually he would have a pair of headphones or something with him to help him ignore the people around him, but since he had gotten up in a hurry the headphones were probably just gathering dust now on top of his desk back home. Katsuki guessed he would have to just tune everyone out along with the other unnecessary sounds that would hang in the air during the train ride. Several people came to stand and sit around him but none of them pressed further so as to respect private space. Sighing, Katsuki leaned his head back against the window, watching the blurred images of buildings pass by in just a second. Fuck this, he would honestly prefer spending his time doing other things but this was his only time off and it had been some time since his last visit. 

 

Shutting his eyes, Katsuki focused his thoughts on better things. Possible new tactics for his and Best Jeanist's next outing in the city for his lessons, running through different school topics that he should brush up on come next class hour. The past year and half had forced him to rethink how he was studying and make a complete overhaul of change just to pull himself within the top three students in the school at the time. If he wanted to be number one still, he had to bust his fucking ass, and he did. He was almost there and Katsuki wasn't going to let himself slip up now, not when he only had one year of school left. It left him exhausted more often than not. Sleeping had been considerably harder to get since fucking Deku's disappearance. 

 

oddly the train's soft rocking helped to ease whatever temper, Katsuki, had from before. It wasn't long until he began to drift off in a light sleep, thoughts going blank and mind dark from lack of stimulation from the outside world. Half expecting there to be some form of alarm waiting to blare in his ears or the jostling of someone's hand on his shoulder, Katsuki found himself both confused and impressed to see nothing but darkness around him. No matter where he turned there wasn't anything significant around him, rather there truly was nothing a all. Just this black abyss with no end.   
  
  
"If this is another nightmare i'm drugging myself with fucking medicine next time I sleep." at any rate the only way he'd get any proper rest would be if he put his own ass in a damn coma. What a pleasant thought. How desperate did one have to be to resort to doing that just to get a few hours of peaceful z's? 

 

-clack-

 

Startled by the sudden sound Katsuki whirled around to turn in the direction he thought he heard whatever that noise was. 

 _“Katsuki?”_ The darkness was nearly impossible to sort through form. It just echoed. It was like a fucking cave that nobody had been in for years. Dark and abandoned Katsuki whipped his head around in various directions, hands flexing at his sides, ready to spark if needed as he stood motionless in the dark space. Someone else was there with him.

 

“ _ _Katsuki, what’s the matter? Are you spooked by something?”__ Despite it being completely void of any other presence, that Katsuki could see, his sense of touch and perception were clearly skewed. The moment he felt thin digits grab at the sides of his rib cage, Katsuki, turned on his heel to see nothing behind him, but those damn digits stroking over his flesh and groping over the muscles there remained. They poked, they prodded, pushing against the sensitive parts of his hips and sides in search of a possible weakness. There was minimal result other than idle flinches or twitches of irritation. 

 

The voice hummed with a tone akin to both delight mixed with curiosity. “ _ _Thinned out, but still so bulky, have you been eating enough by chance? You’ve grown a lot.”__

__

It held familiarity, indifference, pitched deeper than Katsuki expected the voice to be. Was this supposed to be his brains’ fucked up way of making him feel more like shit than he did before? Because if so it was doing a damn good job of it. Though, if this was a nightmare it certainly wasn't like the one's he had before. Nothing touched him in those nightmares, nothing would speak to him that wasn't a trembling voice wracked with sobs or with eyes brimming with tears. 

__

A pressure point was prodded at again, somewhere between his shoulder blades and he cringed. There was someone behind him, he knew there was! They were resting their head on his shoulder whilst they continued to let their hands roam over him. Gritting his teeth with his lips pulled back in a snarl, Katsuki grabbed onto the hand resting over his hip. Fuck this creepy bullshit! Try as he may to force his body to move it barely even responded. Anything to try and jar this bastard off him, not a single muscle would move in an offensive manner that may throw them off.  
  


Why wasn’t his body moving when he tried to just flee from those offensive touches? Katsuki had gone through battles with literal monsters in streets with huge disadvantages, broken so many bones and scratched up his skin till muscle was barely hidden away, but this? A few touches was all it took to subdue him?! It shouldn’t be. The idea of that was simply bullshit and Katsuki was for sure going to call it out.

 

As quickly as they had come to grope over his person the hands that roamed over Katsuki’s body retreated, leaving shivers of disgust running down his spine. It was an opportunity, a very small one. Katsuki grabbed one of his gropers hands, catching a faint gasp, and wrenched them forward so he could get a look as to who it might be that his nightmare was forcing him to submit to. A hand quickly came to slap over his eyes, keeping his sight ever from catching even a small sliver of a glimpse of their face. The bastard was fast, Katsuki would give him that. 

 

 _"Not yet."_ The offender cooed, their voice tickling Katsuki's ear that he was unaware they had even gotten that close to him so quick. "Soon, we can play more, promise. You have to wake up first-" Fingers separated and what Katsuki was able to see was enough to give his heart a heart attack probably. Dark green eyes peered at him, a mouth full of teeth smiling at him gently. That same mouth opened to speak, softly with a voice purring his name out like it was the some special secret one would whisper to another.

 

  _"Kaachan~"_   Katsuki threw his hands forward, explosions rippling over his palms as the sudden fear and dread came snapping back to him like a rubber band breaking. one second a nightmare apparition was there and the next Katsuki was lurching forward in his seat, hand grabbing the holding bar just beside him with such tight grip he probably left dents in the metal from the heat his hands were burning with. His breathes were ragged, uneven and panicked. He'd drawn the concern of some passenger next to him and they asked him repeatedly if he was okay, rubbing his shoulder gently in what was a good assumption to be comfort.   
  
  
Katsuki just shook them off, angrily huffing he was fine and that he didn't want them touching him. His voice didn't have it's usual viscous bite to it, so the other person didn't appear to offended by his total disregard of them only trying to help. Instead they just nodded and uttered a quite 'Alright' then turned their focus elsewhere like the whole waking up from hell didn't happen.   
  
Fuck! Katsuki had never had a nightmare as bad or as creepy as that one so far and he had nightmares of watching Deku fucking die in his arms. This was just a whole new level of disturbing. Izuku never appeared slightly older than his fifteen year old self in his dreams, mainly because Katsuki didn't have the faintest clue about what the fucker would look like older. That was why he'd been so freaked to see just a slightly younger than himself aged Izuku looking at him. Groaning in frustration Katsuki rubbed his clammy hands against the fabric of his pants.   
  
  
Now wasn't the time to be acting like a bitch. It was just a nightmare after all. He had plenty of those over the course of two years, this was just a little different but still, it wasn't fucking real, he should get the fuck over it. Katsuki waited until the train stopped just short of the last stop to get off. It was the one that dropped him off just a mile away from his neighborhood, a twenty minute walk from the apartments he grew up in. Katsuki kept his hands in his pocket the entire walk, idly fidgeting with his phone while he walked.   
  


Apartment building C, fourth floor, third door to the right of the buildings edge. The door looked utterly plain, the standard white opaque color just like the rest of the apartment doors the building had. Katsuki brought his knuckles to knock just twice on wooden surface. There was no need to ring the bell, the door usually was opened after just simply knocking anyway, that never changed in any of the times katsuki would come.   
  
  
Seconds passed and after Katsuki had counted to twenty, the door opened with a soft creak of rusty hinges grinding together against old screws. Old worry worn eyes and a soft smile greeted Katsuki from inside. "Hello, Katsuki, has it been a month already?" How time just seemed to go by so quickly now a days. It never ceased to surprise the woman standing in the doorway. 

 

"A whole month, Mrs. Midoriya." Katsuki walked past the short woman when she stepped aside to let him inside. She would get tea ready and then they could sit and converse. Afterall, Katsuki surely had some things to talk about with her in this visit. She could see the dark circles under the young mans eyes had worsened since his last visit. Katsuki would talk, she would listen. Katsuki was still searching for her own son after all this time and she was grateful for it but she worried for his own health too.   
  
  
"Come." She ushered him into the kitchen to sit down. "Tell me what's on your mind this time around."   
  
  
Oh where to fucking begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly my favorite part of this chapter was probably Katsuki being an absolute dick in the chats with Todoroki. Nobody can tell me he wouldn't act this way in them. Have a wonderful holiday everybody!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this, i hope you liked it. feel free to leave any comments, I enjoy hearing what people have to say. Kudos are cool too but i'm not gonna lie about loving notifs. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!
> 
> time to get to the next chapter, come bug me over at Fynx-mirideon.tumblr.com if you'd like. I love talking with others.


End file.
